The wound is the place where the light enters you

"The Wound Is The Place Where The Light Enters You".... Rumi

This was quite a week. 

• I was a guest on the Journey2Health Podcast
• I got my test results from my National Board Exam and am elated to have earned the title NBC-HWC(National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach)

Jeanine Finelli, Director of Coaching for EHOP Health used this quote from Rumi when commenting on my podcast episode and it was perfect. Perfect because I never even knew how much lighter I would feel after sharing just a piece of my journey on this podcast.

After recording the episode, I second guessed myself. Did I share enough? Did I share too much? Then I was wondering what my family would think of it. Would they remember those days the same way I did? The day the episode aired, one of my sisters reached out and told me how she felt when I was hospitalized and I broke down in tears- she had never told me that(keeping her comments to myself). I called my Mom and told her that after recording the episode I realized that we never talked about my eating disorder as a family. It was almost as if no one wanted to bring it up,  like if we talked about it I was going to relapse. My Mom agreed, saying that they felt like it was in the past and they didn't want to bring it up.

I can't help but wonder what might have been different if we HAD discussed this as a family. I have 2 sisters and a brother(who was only 2 or 3 at the height of my disorder) and I KNOW it had to impact them too. Mom and Dad drove 3 hours round trip to see me on a weeknight and on weekends which took time away from my siblings, and I can't help but wonder how this affected them. Did they resent me for taking up so much of Mom and Dad's time? Then there is the money my treatment had to cost and a family of 6 living off my Dad's salary it had to put a strain on us financially. I still have a ton of guilt around this. 

"Not everyone associates childhood with playfulness and fun, though. If you experienced neglect, trauma, or other emotional pain, your inner child might seem small, vulnerable, and in need of protection. You may have buried this pain deep to hide it and protect yourself — both your present self and the child you once were.

Hiding pain doesn’t heal it. Instead, it often surfaces in your adult life, showing up as distress in personal relationships or difficulty meeting your own needs. Working to heal your inner child can help you address some of these issues."

I am so grateful to have had this forum to open up about my past and realize how powerful it is to tell your story. Ignoring your past does not make it go away. It does not mean that it's all good or you have healed. Healing is a journey, and I am definitely still walking the path, but walking it a bit lighter than I was last week.

“There is a crack in everything God has made.”  Ralph Waldo Emerson